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Written by Molly, mum of two. Last updated: September 2026.

Gentle parenting vs permissive parenting. I didn’t think about the difference once until I found myself crouched in a supermarket aisle, calmly “validating feelings” while my toddler licked a trolley, and thought: hang on. Is this gentle parenting, or have I just given up?

If you’ve had that thought too, this one’s for you. Gentle parenting and permissive parenting look almost identical on Instagram. Both are warm, both skip the shouting, both involve a lot of kneeling down to toddler level. But they’re not the same thing, and the difference matters more than I realised.

Here’s what each one actually is, how to tell which one you’re doing (honestly), and how I’m trying to stay on the right side of the line.

Gentle parenting vs permissive parenting: the short answer

Gentle parenting is warm and kind with firm boundaries.
Permissive parenting is warm and kind without firm boundaries.

That’s it. Same love, same patience. The difference shows up the second your child pushes back. A gentle parent says “I know you’re upset, and the answer is still no.” A permissive parent says “oh go on then” to make the upset stop.

I’ve done both. Sometimes in the same afternoon.

What is permissive parenting?

Permissive parenting is a style where parents are very loving and responsive but set few rules, and don’t consistently enforce the ones they do set. The child’s wants tend to steer the day.

The term comes from psychologist Diana Baumrind, who studied parenting styles in the 1960s. She looked at two things: how warm parents are, and how much structure they give. Permissive parents score high on warmth and low on structure.

And here’s the bit nobody says out loud: permissive parents are usually lovely parents. It almost always comes from a good place. You don’t want your child to feel sad. You don’t want to be the shouty parent you maybe grew up with. You’re knackered and the path of least resistance is right there, holding a packet of Pom-Bears.

It’s not neglect. It’s love without a fence around it.

Examples of permissive parenting

Some of these might sting a bit. They stung me.

• Bedtime is “when they’re tired”, which somehow ends up being 9:30pm
• “No” becomes “maybe” becomes “fine” if the whining lasts long enough
• Rules exist, but only when you’ve got the energy for them
• You make a second dinner because they won’t eat the first one
• Threats of consequences that never actually happen (“if you do that one more time…”)
• Bribes to get through basically any transition
• Your toddler decides where you go, what you watch, and when you leave

One or two of these now and then doesn’t make you a permissive parent. We all do it. It’s when it becomes the pattern that it starts causing problems.

Signs of permissive parenting

• You avoid saying no because you’re dreading the reaction
• Rules change depending on how loud the protest is
• You explain and negotiate far more than a 3-year-old can actually process
• You feel like you’re walking on eggshells around a small person
• You’re secretly resentful, exhausted and a bit fed up

That last one is the big giveaway. Gentle parenting shouldn’t leave you feeling like a doormat. If it does, the boundaries have probably gone walkabout.

Effects of permissive parenting on children

This is where it matters. Research on parenting styles has linked permissive parenting with children who find it harder to manage frustration, struggle more with impulse control, and can have a tougher time with rules at nursery and school, where the grown-ups won’t give in.

There’s a slightly counterintuitive bit too. Kids with very few limits can feel more anxious, not less. When nobody’s steering, it’s a lot of pressure being the one in charge at three years old.

The positives are real as well: children of permissive parents often feel very loved and are happy to express themselves. That warmth is worth keeping. It just needs a bit of structure around it.

What is gentle parenting?

Gentle parenting is an approach built on empathy, respect and connection, where parents stay calm, acknowledge their child’s feelings, and still hold clear, consistent boundaries.

It isn’t an official research term, but done properly it lines up with what Baumrind called authoritative parenting: high warmth and high structure. That’s the style most consistently linked with good outcomes for kids, like better emotional regulation, confidence and independence.

The motto that helped me most: all feelings are allowed, not all behaviour is. They can be as cross as they like that the iPad’s gone off. The iPad stays off.

Gentle vs permissive parenting: key differences

	Gentle parenting	Permissive parenting
Warmth	High	High
Boundaries	Clear and consistent	Few, or they move under pressure
Feelings	Allowed and supported	Often “fixed” by giving in
Who’s in charge	The parent, kindly	Often the child, by default
Meltdowns	Parent stays calm and holds the limit	Parent rescues child from the upset
Consequences	Calm, logical, followed through	Threatened, rarely followed through
How it feels for the parent	Hard in the moment, easier long term	Easier in the moment, harder long term

Same situation, two ways

“I want another biscuit!”

Permissive: “Oh okay, just one more, please stop crying.”

Gentle: “You really wanted another one. That’s so disappointing. Biscuits are finished for today.” Then you sit with the wailing. The biscuit stays in the cupboard. (You may eat it later, in secret. That’s allowed.)

Hitting a sibling

Permissive: “We don’t hit, sweetheart…” while the hitting carries on.

Gentle: Stop the hand. “I won’t let you hit. You’re angry he took your car. Stamp your feet instead.” Move them away if it keeps happening.

Leaving the park

Permissive: Five more minutes. Then five more. Forty minutes later everyone’s starving and someone’s crying (probably you).

Gentle: “Two more goes on the slide, then home.” Then you go home, even if it means carrying a furious, planking toddler to the car. You empathise the whole way. You still leave.

Same kindness. The follow-through is the difference.

Is gentle parenting just permissive parenting?

No, but I completely understand why people think it is. A few reasons:

• Social media shows the script, not the boundary. You see the calm “I hear you”, not the bit where the parent still says no.
• Holding a limit is exhausting. Staying calm through a 20-minute meltdown is hard work. Giving in takes ten seconds. On four hours’ sleep, ten seconds wins sometimes.
• Upset gets confused with harm. A crying child isn’t a damaged child. Letting them feel disappointed, with you right there, is how they learn to cope with it.
• Some of us are overcorrecting. If you grew up with a lot of shouting, “no shouting” can quietly slide into “no rules”.

Done properly, gentle parenting is actually the harder option for the parent. You have to stay calm when they’re not, and follow through every single time. It’s not soft. It’s just not shouty.

How to be gentle without being permissive

These are the things that genuinely help in our house.

1. Decide your non-negotiables in advance

Car seats, hitting, bedtime, screens. Know them before the meltdown, not during. It’s so much easier to hold a line you already believe in.

2. Say what YOU will do

“I won’t let you throw sand” works better than “stop throwing sand”, because it’s about your action, which you actually control.

3. Name the feeling, then hold the line

“You’re sad the TV’s off. It’s still off.” Two sentences. No TED talk required.

4. Keep explanations short

The more you explain, the more it sounds like there’s room to negotiate. Toddlers can smell a loophole from three rooms away.

5. Let the meltdown happen

Your job isn’t to stop the feeling. It’s to stay calm and nearby while it passes. Honestly, the hardest bit, and the bit that matters most.

6. Use routines as the bad guy

“It’s bath time” is easier to hold than “Mummy says bath time”. When the routine is the boundary, there’s less to argue with. I do this with screen time too, which I’ve written about in using screen time as a parenting tool. Same goes for mealtimes (see my picky eater toddler hacks, no second dinners allowed).

7. Repair when you get it wrong

You’ll shout sometimes. You’ll give in sometimes. Me too. “I’m sorry I shouted, I was frustrated. It’s my job to stay calm” teaches more than being perfect ever could.

If you’ve slipped into permissive parenting

First, no guilt. It usually means you care a lot and you’re very tired, which describes basically every parent of under-fives in the country.

Pick one boundary to start with, the one that’s causing the most chaos (for loads of us, it’s bedtime). Hold it kindly and consistently for a couple of weeks. Expect it to get worse before it gets better, because your child will test whether the new rule is real. Once it sticks, pick the next one.

Books that actually help

If you want to go deeper, these are the parenting books UK mums recommend again and again. All of them are about staying kind and keeping boundaries.

• The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read by Philippa Perry. A British classic. Brilliant on understanding your own reactions, not just your child’s.
• Good Inside by Dr Becky Kennedy. Probably the best book on being firm and warm at the same time. Really practical scripts.
• How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen by Joanna Faber and Julie King. Written for ages 2 to 7, full of real-life examples you can use tomorrow.
• The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. Explains why toddlers melt down, which makes staying calm so much easier.

FAQ

What is the difference between gentle parenting and permissive parenting?

Boundaries. Both are warm and responsive, but gentle parenting keeps clear, consistent limits and follows through, while permissive parenting tends to drop limits when a child gets upset.

Is gentle parenting the same as permissive parenting?

No. Gentle parenting includes firm boundaries and is closest to authoritative parenting. Permissive parenting is warm but has few rules or doesn’t enforce them.

What are examples of permissive parenting?

Giving in to whining, making separate meals on demand, having no set bedtime, threatening consequences that never happen, and letting a child decide most daily plans.

What are the effects of permissive parenting?

Research has linked permissive parenting with poorer self-control, more difficulty coping with frustration and more trouble following rules at school. Children often feel very loved, though, so the warmth is worth keeping.

Does gentle parenting mean never saying no?

Not at all. Gentle parents say no plenty. They just say it calmly, acknowledge the disappointment, and don’t shame or threaten.

Why is my gentle parenting not working?

Often the empathy is there but the follow-through isn’t. If rules shift when your child protests, they learn protesting works. Keep the kindness, tighten the consistency.

Are there consequences in gentle parenting?

Yes, just not punishments designed to make a child feel bad. Natural and logical consequences are fine: if the toy gets thrown, the toy goes away for a bit.

Every family is different and there’s no perfect parent (I’m certainly not one). If you’re worried about your child’s behaviour or your own wellbeing, your health visitor or GP is a great place to start.